45 Brutal Wives Whose Tweets Deserve Some Seriously Loud Laughter

When it comes to the art of matrimony, it’s generally best to not offend your other half. This means acknowledging and appreciating what they do for you, paying attention to the small things, and never ever saying “it was a joke.” As this wife points out, if you end up saying “it was a joke” to your other half, it’s too late. Run for the hills!

Instead of saying “it was a joke” — which is a cop-out and an excuse — just apologize properly. It’s that easy!

It’s a well-known fact that women do the majority of household chores. This doesn’t mean that men do nothing, or that there aren’t exceptions, but generally — and historically — women do the majority of household chores. This means that many men don’t know how to iron, cook, vacuum, or look after their own kids. It’s a sorry state of affairs.

For this reason, we’re totally behind this Twitter wife’s justifiable homicide. When asked to fold the laundry, this guy just folded his own. Unbelievable!

2020 has been a tough year, not least because of lockdowns, quarantines, and public health regulations. We’ve all had to adjust to a new normal, including husbands and wives across the globe. This tweeting wife can’t wait to get back to arguing with her husband in public, rather than in the privacy of their own home.

After all, who can beat a row in the grocery store, a barney in the parking lot, or a shouting match in the movie theater?

Married people like to do a little thing called sniping. According to the trusty dictionary, sniping is making a “sly or petty verbal attack.” We’ve all done it, and marriage provides a great playground for constant sniping. You might snipe that your husband hasn’t put his cereal bowl in the dishwasher, or that he keeps letting the kids dress themselves.

In this hilarious example, a wife snipes that her husband chews like the prey of a murder hornet. Watch out, pal.

Many wedding ceremonies include vows where the bride and groom promise to stay with each other “in sickness, and in health.” This means that you’ll stick with one another through the highs and the lows. That you’ll still be there when they’re old and sickly, and not just when they’re young and spritely.

For this wife, part of her spouse’s “sickness” is their inability to squeeze the toothpaste tube properly. Thankfully, they’ve come up with a solution.

Tweets about marriage are great, because they give you a more accurate depiction of what married life is really like. It’s not some rom-com where everyone hangs out in a bright kitchen wearing white. It’s more grubby than that — realer than that.

This hilarious tweet shows what real married couples actually get up to. They excitedly plan to open a hypothetical restaurant, fall out over the details, and then end up hurtling towards a hypothetical divorce.

Because 2020 has been an unusual year, many married couples have had to adjust to working together. This is a pretty new dynamic for lots of spouses, and there have been many tweets revealing the tensions of a 24-hour work-life balance.

This wife has clearly roped her husband into being her tech support, or “IT guy” while they work from home. As fans of the British sitcom The IT Crowd know, that just isn’t going to go well.

Being married is an art form, and one that develops over time. At the beginning of a relationship, if your partner called you from another room, you’d pause the TV, stand up, and go and see what they wanted. “Do you need help, my love?” “Can I bring you something, my dear?”

Fast forward a couple of years, and things have changed slightly. As we can see from this tweet, if a wife hears her husband call from another room, she just turns up the volume.

As this tweet points out, marriage is a bit like reality television. You see, on reality TV staples like The Real Housewives franchise, cast members frequently scream at each other to stop screaming. They point their fingers, they act outraged, and they do the exact same thing they’re criticizing someone else for. “Stop yelling,” they yell. “Don’t shout at me,” they shout.

The whole thing is a kind of performance. Everyone just has to get the screaming out of their system, and then life goes on.

Unfortunately, with marriage comes the unpleasant habits and smells of another person. It might be the musty scent of their sneakers after a long run, or their nasty breath after a family-size pack of nacho cheese Doritos. Worst of all, though, is the reality of someone else’s farts.

This wife rightly points out that she will personally end her spouse if he continues to pollute her air with his ill-mannered gas. We fully support this stance.

Being in a relationship is about give and take. You can’t just be the person receiving gifts and glory, and never the person that has to take care of the groceries or cleaning the bathroom. We all know that most relationships aren’t 50/50, but most people try to get close to that dynamic.

In this tweet, a weary wife lets her husband know that he can stay in that Costco line and pick up a bag of ice. Come on man, do your part!

Relationship dynamics are as different as the people in them. Some people really can’t stand public displays of affection, or like to save the L word for times when they really feel it. Other couples need to say “I love you” every day, or every hour. They like to hold hands when they walk down the street, and write cute captions on their online snaps.

This wife has no time for the lovey-dovey types next door, declaring them “psychopaths.”

While we’re at it, married couples can be made up of different personalities. Sure, we all know those couples that sort of creepily could be siblings because they’re so similar, but we also know that opposites attract. A controlling and uptight person might love their partner because they’re laid back and mellow. A hilarious person might like someone a bit more serious than they are.

This isn’t the case here where a wife is instantly repulsed by her husband’s (frankly adorable) phrase — “Okey dokey, Artichokey.”

And here’s yet another wife that is shocked to discover their husband has some weird, yet undiscovered habit. In this case, it’s that he eats spaghetti with a spoon. Now, this isn’t a simple case, because many people eat spaghetti with a spoon. The reason is that lots of people were mistakenly told that Italians themselves use a spoon to twirl their spaghetti on.

This, my friends, is a food myth. We conclude that this wife is correct, and this husband must desist.

Marriage is full of tradition, from the western white wedding dress that symbolizes purity, to the practice of a father “giving away” his daughter to her husband. These traditions stem from early types of marriage, when property and finances had a larger part to play than love or compatibility.

This couple is mixing it up, though, and subverting the archaic traditions that can come to dominate married life. Thank goodness for this pair of gender-defying heroes. Sigh.

We’ll admit to being a little squeamish about farts, but we’ll also argue that’s a totally normal response to someone else’s smelly gas. We know that the word itself is funny, and the idea is maybe funny, but the reality isn’t! It just isn’t!

This poor wife was guilted into spooning her filthy husband, just so he could cover her in his stink. We know this isn’t a big deal for everybody, but for us, it’s a major deal-breaker.

Some people have a thing about throw pillows. It’s difficult to explain this quasi-obsession to people that aren’t enamored with them, but basically — these people just love throw pillows. They can’t get enough. They have all sorts of pillows in similar colors and fabrics but in different sizes, and every day they lovingly arrange them.

For these people — these lovers of pillows — the arrangement is a science. This tweet shows the usual dynamic between throw pillow people, and the rest of us.

OK, so this tweet is actually from an ex-wife, but that totally still counts. This lucky lady managed to escape her trash bag husband, and then he popped up as a suggested match on a dating app. Those pesky algorithms!

Hilariously, in this tweet, this ex-wife joked about being able to leave a review on her ex’s profile to warn other women. Wouldn’t this be a great idea? Seriously, can we get together and crowdsource this thing?

As we’ve said, married life isn’t exactly what you see in romcoms. Husbands generally don’t spend every day telling their wives all the reasons they’re perfect or going out of their way to make romantic gestures. However, that doesn’t mean they don’t notice the small stuff.

This husband had a very positive reaction to his “absolutely amazing,” “smooth,” and “soft” bedsheets. As his wife points out, this is what constitutes pillow talk for couples that have been married for a while.

Twitter is a great place for a bit of venting, a touch of ranting, and a pinch of sniping. The micro-blogging social platform is perfect for revealing small details about your life, and wondering why things are always so darn annoying.

This wife is clearly irritated by her husband’s habit of eating some chips, and then saving the rest for later. In the context of quarantine, she wonders why on Earth he isn’t just letting go a little. You only live once!

Recently, news outlets have been writing about the new notion of a “sleep divorce.” This is when a couple decides they need to sleep separately in order to get a good night’s sleep. It might just be for one night, or it could be a more longterm arrangement.

This tweeter is clearly thinking along the same lines. As she rightly points out, many marital problems come from bedding related tiffs. “Give me the blanket!”

A huge part of being married is developing your own shorthand. No, we don’t mean those cute nicknames you call each other, or the weird abbreviated words you’ve developed over the years. No, we mean the argumentative shorthand. The huffiness shorthand. The things you say that have way more subtext shorthand.

As this tweet points out, saying something like “with all due respect” in a marriage, doesn’t mean “with all due respect” at all. It means something a little harsher.

Marriages and relationships change over time, but the strange conditions of the year 2020 have led to totally new relationship dynamics. In what other year would couples be locked down together? In what other circumstance would they be living together, (not) socializing together, and working together? It really can be a lot.

This hilarious tweet points out what a difference a year makes. For this wife, the annoyance period has contracted from two hours to just two minutes.

It goes without saying that 2020 has altered everyone’s patience levels. Even the coolest and most easygoing couple has much more time to scrutinize the behaviors of their other half. “What did you just do?” “Sorry, what did you just say?”

This tweet cracks us up because it points out how ludicrous marital disagreements often are. The husband in question simply makes his breakfast in an unusual (perhaps annoying) way, and his wife has simply had enough. “Out!”

With the passage of time comes more time to notice people’s irritating habits. What may have been a sweet little behavior in the early days of courting has had time to grow into a monumentally irritating routine. You know, you used to think it was cute that they spent forever doing their hair, but now you just want them to hurry up and get in the car.

Well, this wife has charted the relationship between the length of marriage and the volume of sneeze. Gesundheit!

Once you’ve settled in with a romantic partner, relationships are all about compromise. At the beginning, you might rush to do things for your spouse, but after some time you start to negotiate who does what. This is especially true when it comes to unpleasant tasks, like taking out the trash or cleaning up after your pets.

This couple wisely solves these problems with the age-old solution of rock, paper, scissors. Hey — it might not be romantic, but it’s practical.

When you have a romantic partner in life, you often end up spending a lot of time with that person. You may end up discussing random and pointless things with them. Or, you might end up arguing about random and pointless things with them.

After all, you’ve discussed the big things that matter to you, so now you need to get into the nitty-gritty. And what’s more irrelevant to a marriage than different grains of rice? Let the basmati-jasmine wars begin!

Alone time is extremely precious, no matter how much you genuinely adore your other half. This is especially true for introverts, who need some time to charge before being around other people again. This is also true for mothers, especially those that spend most of their time with their kids.

Whilst this husband was probably trying to do a good thing by offering to do the groceries, his wife is having none of it. That time is her time!

We all know what it’s like to wander a store and just gleefully throw things in the cart. At the time, we really think we’ll use them. In fact, we usually think that those things will change our lives. “With this sponge, everything will be different!” “Once I buy this hair barrette, things will never be the same again.” It’s a trick that we fall for time and time again.

This wife knows the score and awaits her husband’s non-existent DIY.

This wifely tweet really made us laugh. It betrays all of the resignation and cynicism of a longterm spouse, and has a good punch-line to boot. Basically, this woman’s husband says that he did a double-take of her when he first met her. You know — he caught a glimpse of her, and then he looked back to be sure of what he’d seen.

This would be quite sweet if it wasn’t for the other things he double-takes at.

When two people love each other, and live with each other, they can develop their own little set of rules. Somebody might get annoyed that the other person didn’t say goodbye to them before they went out on a run. Or, somebody might wonder why their spouse hasn’t complimented their hair when they’re obviously wearing it a different way.

For this couple, missing out on a butt pat was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

People are divided into two categories — those that take care when opening their snacks during a movie or TV series, and those that just get on with it. For the former, it’s most appropriate to pause the TV or wait for a loud part of the movie before you crack open your Diet Coke.

For the latter, you just rustle your bag of chips, poke around in your bag of Sour Patch Kids, and get on with it.

Passive aggression is when you indirectly express your negative emotions about something. For example, if someone has annoyed you, you might avoid them, “accidentally” move their cellphone to a different location, and then deny that you’ve done anything at all. Aggression is when you just throw the phone out the window in front of them.

This wife’s passive aggression has manifested in buying even more throw pillows for the bed. Hey, throw pillow people are serious about their throw pillows.

In normal circumstances, this irritated wife would have told her ukulele playing husband to “Beat It,” but 2020 quarantine means that wasn’t an option. Instead, she had to take shelter from the melodic notes of Michael Jackson on the ukulele by locking herself in the bathroom.

Honestly, we can’t say we blame her. The only thing worse than someone learning how to play the ukulele is having to listen to them play weird ’80s covers on it. Seriously dude, just beat it.

As the long months of 2020 have passed, lots of us have lost sense of what day it is. With more and more people working from home, the difference between a weekday and a weekend has drifted away, leaving us with a collection of days that all feel fairly similar.

This wife’s husband was trying to ask her what day it was, but phrased it as “what is today?” Hilariously, she proclaimed that she’s in no mood for riddles.

Relationship dynamics are a beautiful thing. One partner might ask the other to do something for them, and then completely lose it when they do exactly that. This happens all the time with sleep schedules. Trust us — all the time.

The husband in this tweet told his wife not to wake him up so he could sleep late in the morning. Of course, when he finally arose, he was furious that she had let him stay in bed so long.

It’s nice to ask elderly folks about their attitudes to a successful marriage, and this mom had a great answer when her daughter asked her the secret of a 55-year marriage. Is it never going to bed after an argument? Or making sure to eat dinner together at least once a week?

Perhaps it’s regularly telling each other that you love each other. Or dancing together in your kitchen. Nope, it’s all down to efficiently hating each other on the right days.

This wife clearly has a great sense of humor, as she keeps trolling her husband by introducing him as her “first husband.” Admittedly, this joke is verging on being a little mean, but it’s also one that’s often made about women. For that reason, we’re on board with this marital teasing and hope that the husband in question is, too.

As long as this husband doesn’t actually feel like he’s going to be replaced, it’s all in good fun.

It’s a well-known fact that couples that have been together for a long time become very comfortable with each other. They see each other at their worst — lounging on the couch, picking their toenails, and with the greasiest hair known to man. That’s the beauty of a long-term relationship; you can truly be your most disgusting self, and still be loved.

This wife decided to flirt with her husband a little by sending him a cute picture. He was truly baffled by the effort.

Have you ever smelled men’s deodorant? Seriously, it’s a lot. It’s like someone yelling from the top of a mountain but covered in pine needles and with military-style face paint on. It’s not just a lot — it’s too much.

We know that products for men need to scream “MEN” but pee-yew, they could take their deodorant down a few notches. After sampling her husband’s antiperspirant, this wife immediately took on his perspective. Now, he just needs to have a spray of her perfume.

They say that marriage gets better with time, like a fine wine. In reality though, this really just depends on the people involved. Some marriages do get better, while others grow stale and deteriorate.

Then there are those couples who never think about leaving each other, but still have their day-to-day struggles and the things about them that annoy each other. We are pretty sure that the parents of this woman fall under the third category.

Let’s face it – cheating really is the last straw for any marriage. But you know what comes as a very close runner up? That’s right folks – finding out that your husband had pizza without you!

When you are married, ordering a pie from your local pizzeria is something that should always be shared between a husband and wife. If he is planning on getting his collar full of marinara sauce, then she should at least let you know in advance.

It seems like couples do start to annoy each other more and more the longer they stay together. The question is, do those pet peeves eventually lead to divorce or are a husband and wife able to embrace each other for their pros and cons?

Apparently, this wife can’t stand how her husband breathes, which is kind of unreasonable, if you ask us. After all, you kind of need your husband to breathe if you want, you know, a husband.

Our partners can come up with the most cunning tricks in order to get what they want. Take this wife, for example, who knows exactly how to get her husband off his backside and get her whatever she desires.

She simply makes the false accusation that he sat on her glasses. His kneejerk reaction is to get up and check, but by the time he does this, it’s too late and he has no choice but to do his wife’s bidding.

We would like to think that we would do anything for our significant other, even it means sacrificing one of our vital organs for them. This wife made that claim in the following tweet.

However, she was quick to undermine it by calling out her hubby for constantly stealing her pillow so that he can rest his head on it. It is clear that many pillow fights have broken out in this home. As long as everyone survives, we’ll allow it!

Many wives feel like their husbands regress in certain ways as the marriage goes on. What seemed to be an independent, go-getting kind of guy with a strong head on his shoulders often transforms into a baby trapped in the body of an adult.

And despite the man’s desperate plea to be acknowledged as just this by his wife, his behavior often suggests otherwise. To all the wives out there, sort out your husbands!

In marriages, it can often be a case of two steps forward and three steps back. This was certainly the case when this guy tried to surprise his wife for their anniversary. He decided to take her to the theater, a surefire idea for any successful date.

However, he failed to check the times and location properly and ended up bringing his excited wife straight down to earth. Her expectations shot through the roof as well!

There are plenty of people out there who are so paranoid about what their partners might be doing while they are out of the home, they will track their location to make sure they aren’t doing anything unfaithful.

This wife did just that, but not for the reason that you might think. She actually did it to cover her own tracks, so that she can kick back and watch TV and not feel guilty about it.

Many people out there need an alarm clock to wake them up every day. Whether it be on an actual clock or through their phone, a routine noise during the same time each day should do the trick. However, sometimes it doesn’t.

In fact, some people just sleep through their alarm and need to set multiple times before they finally wake up. It gets to a point though when the alarm bell rings so many times that this husband can’t help but count. We’re surprised he didn’t lose count!

Sometimes, wives can be extremely cruel to their husbands just to make a point of how incompetent they are in the kitchen. Take this story for example, which saw a wife move some of their condiments just a couple of inches to the left.

That was more than enough to make her hubby lose sight of them and spend ages trying to look for them. The thing is that she is simply doing this to laugh at him!

There are some arguments that have been going on for hundreds of years. Wherever and whenever humans are pushed together, there are some topics that will really get them going. One of these topics is directions. For example, should you ask for them when you’re lost? And what is the correct way to go anyway?

This married couple has taken their direction-based arguing to a new, technological level. They don’t even need to be out and about to disagree over who knows best.

Couples often refer to themselves as “we,” but that doesn’t mean that both partners are actually into whatever is being discussed. Take this couple, for instance — where the husband decides that “we” will start eating healthier.

We aren’t sure if this guy has heard, but you can’t make decisions about other people’s food habits. Well, you can, but it usually doesn’t work out very successfully. Of course, this wife has the right idea and shuts the whole thing down before it’s even started.

It’s not easy to be a wife. You think it’s going to be all romantic dinners and foot rubs, but it’s more about nagging someone to pick up their socks, or helping to shave their back. This hilarious tweet points out that bossing someone around all the time can really be a drain on your energy.

Yes, marriage is supposed to be about partnership, but it doesn’t always work out that way in practical terms. What can we say?

Saying that someone is “out of your league” means that they’re in a different class than you. It’s originally a sports term, but we say it now about dating, especially when one person seems to be more attractive, interesting, or successful than the other.

This tweeter is using the term to joke about the unique circumstances of 2020. With more time trapped inside, this wife is worried that her husband will recognize that they’re actually in the same league.

Who amongst us hasn’t done this? It’s basically the reason anyone gets a romantic partner or spouse in the first place. We lie back on the couch, and we wait for any indication at all that our partner is getting up. Any flicker of movement, any small sign that they’re rising.

As soon as they do (or even if they don’t), we pounce. “Could you get me a glass of water?” “Could you get me some tea?” “Could you pass me my laptop?” Easy.