A Modern Guide to an Age-Old Tradition: Asking for Permission to Marry

When it comes to weddings, convention often has a large influence. Asking a partner’s father for permission and blessings to get married is an old-fashioned custom that persists even today. Although rituals have shifted and some practices have withered away, this practice remains an emblem of deference and inclusion.

The History of Asking for Permission

This act traces its roots to an era when women were often considered as property. Back then, women needed permission from their fathers to leave the family home. However, this tradition has evolved significantly over time. Today, it’s less about a transaction and more about a respectful gesture. Approaching a partner’s parents, including mothers in these conversations, is a way to include everyone in the joyous occasion and seek their blessing for the impending union.

How to Ask for Permission to Propose

While asking for permission to propose isn’t mandatory, it’s essential to consider your partner’s family dynamics and their parents’ expectations. It’s advisable to ask for permission well before the actual proposal. This shows respect and avoids making the parents feel like an afterthought. Aim to have this conversation at least a few weeks prior to proposing. The conversation should ideally take place in person, making the parents feel respected. Also, don’t forget that when discussing your intentions, be sincere and speak from your heart.

Consider Family Dynamics

Be sensitive to your partner’s family dynamics. If the parents are happily married, you may want to speak to both together. If divorced, address each parent individually. Begin with the parent your partner is closest to, as it will likely be an easier conversation. Additionally, If there are strained family relationships, consider your partner’s feelings. If they have a weak bond with their parents, it might be best to skip this tradition. However, if your relationship with the parents is strained, engage in multiple conversations with them before asking for their child’s hand in marriage.

Alternatives to Asking Permission

If the traditional approach of asking for permission doesn’t align with your values, there are alternative ways to put a modern spin on this custom. Consider planning a “parents proposal,” a unique and memorable event that precedes the actual proposal. You can even film it for your partner to watch later, adding an element of surprise. Another approach is to involve your partner’s parents in the planning process, letting them know about the impending proposal or even inviting them to help plan the surprise.